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Tuesday, December 20

One Angry Man

Luis Suárez's appeal to the FA powers that be of his eight-game suspension and £40,000 fine for racially abusing Patrice Evra.

          INT. COURTROOM, WEMBLEY STADIUM -- NIGHT

          Wembley Stadium.  Home of The Football Association (FA),
          English football's governing body.

          Oak-paneled walls.  Marble flooring and columns that stretch
          from the floor to the twenty-foot-tall ceiling.  Red and
          royal blue curtains adorned with The Three Lions.

          The gallery empty of any press or concerned onlookers.  Two
          sit at the deeply-stained oak table before a panel of three
          judges.

          At the table:  LUIS SUÁREZ and KENNY DAGLISH.

          Suárez: mid-20s, Uruguayan international and Liverpool
          striker.  Bit an opposing player while at Ajax, hand-balled
          a would-be winning goal off the line against Ghana in the
          2010 World Cup.

          Daglish: 60, Liverpool's manager.  A dynamite striker in his
          playing days, was the most-capped of all players for
          Scotland, a compassionate man.

          The panel of judges: DAVID BERNSTEIN (FA Chairman), ALEX
          HORNE (FA General Secretary) and SIR DAVID RICHARDS (FA Vice
          Chairman).  All are wearing judicial robes and white wigs.

                              HORNE
                    Just so we're clear, Mister
                    Suárez.  You're forgoing any legal
                    representation?

          Suárez gestures to Daglish to answer for him.

                              DAGLISH
                    That's right.  I've been supporting
                    Luis this entire time, why should
                    now be any different?

          Daglish nods at his troubled striker.  The judges look at
          each other-

                              BERNSTEIN
                    Right-o.  Mister Suárez, you have
                    been proven guilty of racially
                    abusing Patrice Evra of Manchester
                    United ten times throughout a
                    recent match between your two
                    teams.

          Daglish shifts his posture, smiling nervously.

                              SIR RICHARDS
                    As with all cases, the FA grants an
                    appeal process to the disciplined
                    player.  Mister Suárez, you may
                    begin your appeal.

          Suárez leans towards Daglish and whispers in his ear. 
          Daglish turns to him and nods.

                              DAGLISH
                    Esteemed leaders of the FA, my
                    striker wishes to know the
                    penalties which have been levied
                    against him.

                              BERNSTEIN
                    Well, the suspension is for-

                              DAGLISH
                         (holding up his hand)
                    Just a moment.

          Suárez leans into Daglish's ear again.

                              DAGLISH
                    He would like the exact wording
                    from the FA's released statement
                    announcing the decision.

                              BERNSTEIN
                    Alright.  This is the FA after all,
                    we have no objection to a prim and
                    proper request.  Hand me that file
                    if you would, Sir Richards.

                              SIR RICHARDS
                    Certainly, Mister Bernstein.

          Suárez's eyes widen, his body tensing.  Daglish puts his
          hand on the striker's shoulder-

                              DAGLISH
                         (to Suárez)
                    Relax.  Deep breaths.

          Sir Richards slides the file folder over to Bernstein, who
          pulls out the FA statement on Suárez's punishment.  He skims
          through the document, finding the bullet point on the
          penalties.

                              BERNSTEIN
                    There we are.
                         (reading from the document)
                    Mister Suárez shall be warned as to
                    his future conduct, be suspended
                    for eight matches covering all
                    first team competitive matches and
                    fined the sum of forty-thousand
                    pounds.

          Suárez shoots to his feet-

                              SUÁREZ
                    Forty-thousand pounds?  YOU
                    COVETOUS JEW!

          Daglish winces.  Bernstein pounds his gavel.

                              BERNSTEIN
                    Appeal denied.



4 comments:

  1. A courtroom, in Wembley, with judges in wigs. I thank Reddit for this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. really, all that build up for a covetous jew joke? ehh i'd rather watch south park.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Anonymous

    Well let me tell you something my kraut-mic friend: you're certainly entitled to that opinion.

    Thanks for reading.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ehh I liked it fine. no need to go making it offensive. simple worked best

    ReplyDelete